Finding Ground Again - What Recovery Really Looks Like in Therapy

Introduction: How Recovery in Therapy Really Looks Like

A really great and common question I get as a therapist from clients is “How do I know I’m doing better?” Other variations of this question would be…
“What does recovery look like?”
“How do I know if I’m healed?”

Honestly, how do we know?

When you’ve lived your life in chronic emotional and mental pain, it can become so normalised, embedded, synced and one with your personality and identity. That healing, or even imagining a different life, outcome or result can feel… foreign, impossible. Like a different reality or lifetime. And for some, it just conjures up blankness in their minds. Never to stop and pause to think, “You know what, what would my life actually look like? Because all I’ve ever done was to survive, so I haven’t had the space and capacity to even question and wonder otherwise.”

The answer? It’s subjective. It really depends on you and what you want to see changed in yourself, your life, your relationships. But if I could summarise it —— it is the changes in how we respond and deal with situations. This shows up in our decisions, actions, which eventually influences our emotions and thoughts.

Healing as a Different Response

Example: I am easily triggered when speaking with my older brother. It fuels anger in my body and soul, I feel hot in my body and my mind races. I can’t think straight. All I’m thinking of is yelling the worst things imaginable. I hate this feeling! Why am I so triggered? [context: there’s some older brother trauma right here]

Healing would look like taking a pause and noticing your body going into a surge of anger, noticing where exactly in your body you feel warm. And taking conscious, mindful and intentional deep breaths. Counting. Pacing. Breathing. Slowly. Slowly. Trying to slow down the body’s fight or flight response. Instead of going off on him and cussing and yelling and saying all the things to hurt him [because we think he deserves it, right?!], and then feeling awful later and spiralling and eventually, just soaking in that gunky juice of regret [imagine a big black cauldron, and how guilt is bubbling as a thick gunk and we’re just soaking it in like a bath].

Healing looks like you would be able to take a step back, regulate your body, and when you’re ready, take a step forward again —— remaining engaged (instead of stonewalling, numbing yourself, or berating yourself internally) to respond more thoughtfully, mindfully, intentionally. “I disagree with what you said, I can understand why this upsets you.” Setting a boundary, being able to articulate your thoughts in a coherent manner. Wow! Sounds so easy huh? But it really isn’t. It takes a lot of work, time, effort —- to get to a place of self awareness and insight. To be able to hold yourself internally in a kind and meaningful way. To be heard and seen by your own self. To be acknowledged and empathised by yourself. To validate and sit with your own feelings. To name these feelings when they come up. And to guide your actions that are aligned with what you believe in and the person you want to be. Because at the end of the day, psychological suffering comes from when you are not aligned with yourself and the decisions you’ve made —- hence the overthinking, self-critical thoughts, and so forth.

The Messy Journey of Healing

Healing isn’t linear. This is a constant reminder that both clients AND therapists need to remember. We think —- “Ahh, I’m getting better, it should be UP all the way from here onwards.” But really, it isn’t. There will be some down days, and it’s gonna suck and hurt. And in fact, the disappointment of it hits harder because you’ve gotten the taste of what a different life would actually feel and look like. It’s typically really easy to go into a spiral of old patterns of beating yourself up again, nitpicking your flaws, fixating on your mistakes —- however this is the golden opportunity to practice self compassion. By who? Whoever you have the capacity– at that moment, in your journey– to conjure up internally in your mind. To hold you gently. Kindly. Warmly. It could be your ideal self, your future self, a loved one (dead or alive), a fictional person, a friend, family member, your therapist (as a helpful temporary attachment figure). To imagine them reaching out their hand to you, and smiling, “Hey, it’s okay! We’ve got this.” This is what resilience is all about.

Healing is a life long journey. Whether you are getting long term support from medication and therapy for chronic mental illness, or that you’ve graduated from therapy, or you’ve restarted your therapy journey after graduation —- our healing journey isn’t just simply over. It is a process, as we face new experiences, feel new emotions and have new thoughts. Or sometimes, old thoughts and feelings too! And that’s okay.

A Personalized Road For You

I hope this note allows empathy and kindness to challenge the stigma and judgment on what healing should look like. The belief that if I’m still going for therapy, I’m not ‘healed’. Or that if I’m on medication, “I’m not healed.” That if I get triggered after a bit of progress, “I’m broken” or “I haven’t progressed” or “I just ruined all my therapy work!”.

Healing is deeply personal, and it will look different for each person. It could look like you responding to your older brother trauma in a different way, or deciding to move out from your abusive home, or taking ADHD meds for the first time, or going to therapy again for something different, or going to therapy weekly for years, or weaning off meds, or realising you want to leave that relationship that isn’t serving you, or finding a new therapist / trying out a new therapy style, or realising how deeply depressed you feel after years of denial, or going to therapy for the FIRST time, or just finally being able to feel feelings after years of numbing them out [Yay! All are really such big wins!].

Healing looks different and personal, to each and every one of us, and they’re all so precious and wonderful. It is important and imperative we celebrate them —- because without celebration, what is this life for? So let’s celebrate! All types of healing and progress, because they are ALL AMAZING WINS.

Written by
Sharifah Diana, Registered Clinical Psychologist

Diana is one of the co-founders of Minda Psychology Services, and advocates for mental health awareness, acknowledgement, and change in Malaysia. Her work focuses on emotional difficulties, relationship issues, trauma, sexual health and wellbeing, as well as other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety. Drawing from Emotion-Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Person-Centred Therapy, Diana helps clients explore their inner world, process difficult experiences, and move toward growth and resilience. Learn more about her here.

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